09.01.09

Lady Advice with Jeff and Thane: First Dates

People are always asking us what's a great place to take a first date? Well, people, you've asked the right guys. Did you know that between the two of us we've dated over seven and half women?

Being the gentlemen of pleasure that we are, we recommend you don't take her to the same, old, boring place, such as Applebee's or Olive Garden. Definitely not Olive Garden. When you're there you're family? That's like fucking your sister. I don't think so. No, we recommend you give your woman a unique experience that will not only blow her mind, but get you blown. If you know what we mean. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Bump that…

An Art Exhibit

Women love all things involving art. However, it should be noted that some women can show surprising close-mindedness to some fine art exhibits. Apparently, some women freak out when you take them to an exhibit of paintings you yourself made of your own mother, in your own urine. I guess some people can't appreciate the genius of Oedipalooza.

Go For A Ride

Women love rides. Preferably, rides in white vans with no windows. If you can arrange it, have a strange bald headed driver and a video camera. We've literally spent hours researching this. They love it!

Picnic

What woman wouldn't want a day in the sunshine, cozied up on a blanket in a beautiful park-like cemetary? Delicious sandwiches, lemonade, and she gets to meet your parents.

Get To Know Her … More Intimately!

There's really only one fool proof way to see her business on a first date. Accompany her to a gynecological visit. Not only will you get to know her on an intimate level, you'll have her gynecologist on hand to answer any questions as well as prepare your iCal for her periods.

Watch Any Nicolas Cage Film

He's the best.

Pray Together

Not the same religion as you? Well, she's going to need to know the traditions for when she converts.

A Frat Party

We've found you don't even have to be invited. It's a great place to spread your wings and show her you're not just some scary creep who collects toy soldiers. And if you are lucky enough to walk in on a Duke lacrosse party, those are off the hizzay!

Meet With Friends

More specifically, your ex-girlfriend. They are bound to run into each other eventually. This is like pulling off a Band-Aid. Besides, your ex-girlfriend will embellish some of your attributes because I'm sure things ended on good terms.

Take A Tour

Museum? Historical sites? Boooooring. That's why we take our girls to abortion clinics. That's ridiculous you say? That's what they say too. But it's so interesting to have the doctors show you around. Abortion is a part of life. On your way out, try not to get pelted by the large stones and cabbage being thrown from the crazy anti-abortion rally across the street.

Attend A Social Gathering

Does your date like to kill fetuses? Well, the folks at an anti-abortion rally can help prove her wrong. Abortion is death. And if at the end of your date she doesn't agree, then you want nothing to do with her. But, if she does agree, you can spend a magical afternoon together drinking diet Shastas, holding picket signs, and pelting large stones and cabbage at the sinners across the street.

A Strip Club

Show her you can appreciate the female form.

A Gay Strip Club

Pretend like you're a regular. Score extra points by ass slapping Chico the bouncer on the way in. Trust us. Have we ever steered you wrong?