03.16.10

DRIVING in the Wild Wild West

by Jeff Lutz & OC Newby

LOS ANGELES, CA (Any Day)

I slowly pull out of my gated apartment complex - why it's gated I don't know. The wife asked me to bring back some In-N-Out Burgers. Anything for the fam! Hmm... I wonder if I should take the freeway? Can't be too busy this time of day. My life flashes before my eyes - boy, that was a fun day up in the hot air balloon - as I inch out onto the road. A shiny, turquise Hummer H3 swerves right by me - HOLY COW! - but of course I remain calm and collected. I'm a very responsible driver. I don't talk on my cell phone, I don't blow through stop signs, and I don't partake in the road rage – never have, never will. Just not the kind of example I want to be setting for my kids.

Finally, a break in traffic. Oh, happy day! I fly out onto the street like a kamikaze pilot. Yippie! It's not like I'm driving a Mercedes Benz here. The guy behind me honks his horn. I just don't understand that type of behavior. I try to only use mine in an emergency. Up ahead, a bus pulls away from the curb and begins merging three lanes over. Love that. Public transport coming through! Beep to the beep, beep! I happily let them in. I respect the fact that unlike most drivers around here, Metro buses actually use their turn signals. Oh, he's making a left. That is nice to know!

I glance down at my dashboard. Whoa, red light's on. Got to get some gas. On my way to the station, I see a car swerving back and forth all across the road, even on the shoulder. Aah, that's so cute. But, incredibly unsafe. I worry granny might seriously injure someone. In fact, this is the reason I believe everyone should have to re-take their driver's exam every five years. I go to pass her. She better not be talking on her cell phone or texting or sexting (is that like a 69?). I look over. Nope. She's holding drug paraphenalia in one hand and a beer in the other. Whew! That's a relief.

The gas station is fairly empty. This should be easy. I try to pay at the pump. Except, the machine starts to get a little smart with me. It starts asking me all kinds of questions - stuff I wasn't ready for: credit or debit? Do you want a receipt? Social security number? Date of birth? Favorite sexual position? Blood type? Urine sample? I'm just trying to get some gas! Finally, we get to the card part. The screen reads, "Put the card in remove it quickly.' I put the card in. I remove it quickly. The screen reads again, "Put the card in remove it quickly.' I did remove it quickly! How deep is this hole that the slot can't even feel my card? Apparently, I have the machine that's taken more cards than she could handle. I'm not getting a receipt, am I?

I pop on the freeway. It's at a stand still. The carpool lane's flying. I could literally get out and walk faster. With traffic moving this slow there better be a dead body on the road. I finally crawl past the "delay.' There's a car stalled in the middle of the highway. Honestly, have some respect for your fellow drivers. If you're going to break down, do it on the side of the road. If your car is a piece of sh*t, you should never leave the shoulder. It's just common courtesy.

I get off the freeway and hop onto Sunset Boulevard. I hit a red light. Then, another. Then, another. Then, a yellow? Nope. Red, again. Suddenly, I'm stuck behind a little old lady (from Pasadena?) who has her entire car filled with stuffed animals. It's a car lady, not your personal closet! As if she's not obstructing her view enough, she has a number of things hanging from her rearview mirror - beads, tassels from 1954. Yeah, I think you can take that down now!

On my left side, I have a smoker with his hand out the window. If you want to smoke that's cool. But, if you want the full effects of lung cancer, I suggest rolling up the windows. Selfishness is encouraged. Why do people put their hands out the window anyway? It's a serious illness, if you ask me. I think these people should check themselves into a clinic ASAP. If you need to keep all your limbs insides a vehicle going 10mph at a theme park, don't you think it would be a wise idea to keep them inside your vehicle going 80mph down a highway?

Oh, great. Look at this. They're doing construction in the middle of Sunset Goddamn Boulevard! What are they digging for gold? You got to be kidding me! All I want are some double-double burgers! A late merging asshole flies by me. This idiot must be either blind or illiterate. What, do you not see that huge orange merge sign? It seems this guy's the Louis and Clark of dumbsh*ts because about eight other cars follow his lead and also zip past me at the last possible second. The last of which is some young punk driving like a total dick to impress a date. Yeah, girls tend to be very impressed with how fast a car can get wrapped around a utility pole.

I'm hyperventilating. Sweat pours down from face. Who's face? My face. Where's my brown bag? I should be at home in my flip flops and robe munching on some French fries by now. Nobody else is observing the rules of the road, why should I? I push the pedal to the floor and merge myself onto the shoulder. The light turns red. I ignore it. I'm moving, now!

I see what appears to be a cop car in the distance so I slow down. You really can't be too careful. Nope. It's just Rajeev in a City Taxi. I blow past him. Get the f*ck out of my way slow poke! Within seconds, I'm stuck behind a huge gas guzzling SUV. It amazes me how inconsiderate some people can be? In addition to that, he's driving 5mph under the speed limit. I cut him off. Now, I'm leading the pack.

Oh, sh*t! What's that? Smoke rises as I slam down on the brakes! You got to be kidding me? Some dumbass pedestrian has decided to cross the street on a green light. Yo, assf*ck do you not see the red hand telling you not to walk? I'm pretty sure in any language the red hand means stop! I don't drive when the lights are red. Don't walk out in the middle of traffic when the lights are green! Oh, and a little advice for old people: if the walk hand starts to blink do not even attempt to cross the street unless you have one of those "free' mobility scooters that you got duped into buying with your last Medicaid check. If my friend was in the car he would tell me to hit ‘em. And this time, I think I would listen.

The smoke finally clears from my tires and I speed off. Those double-doubles are calling my name. I see what appears to be another cop car in the distance. It's probably just another cab. So, I don't brake, I speed up. I'm doing 65mph, everyone else is doing maybe 40mph. Suddenly, the taxi weaves into my lane. What's a matter with this stupid f*ck? He's driving slower than the old lady! I push the pedal to the floor. Get the hell out of my way! Beep, motherf*cker! Beep, beep! Boom! I ram into his bumper! Sirens pop on. Guess it wasn't a cab. An officer gets out with his gun drawn. Get out of the car with your hands up, he says! This is it. It's either get out of the car with sh*t running down my legs or end up as breaking news on KTLA in the middle of a car chase, which by the way is the only time you can drive freely on a Los Angeles roadway. Ground beef here we come...