Lady Advice With Jeff And Thane: First Date Ideas

Posted on June 15, 2009

People are always asking us what's a great place to take a first date? Well, people, you've asked the right guys. Did you know that between the two of us we've dated over seven and half women?

Being the gentlemen of pleasure that we are, we recommend you don't take her to the same, old, boring place, such as Applebee's or Olive Garden. Definitely not Olive Garden. When you're there you're family? That's like f*cking your sister. I don't think so. No, we recommend you give your woman a unique experience that will not only blow her mind, but get you blown. If you know what we mean. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Bump that…

An Art Exhibit
Women love all things involving art. However, it should be noted that some women can show surprising close-mindedness to some fine art exhibits. Apparently, some women freak out when you take them to an exhibit of paintings you yourself made of your own mother, in your own urine. I guess some people can't appreciate the genius of Oedipalooza.

Go For A Ride
Women love rides. Preferably, rides in white vans with no windows. If you can arrange it, have a strange bald headed driver and a video camera. We've literally spent hours researching this. They love it!

Picnic
What woman wouldn't want a day in the sunshine, cozied up on a blanket in a beautiful park-like cemetary? Delicious sandwiches, lemonade, and she gets to meet your parents.

Get To Know Her … More Intimately!
There's really only one fool proof way to see her business on a first date. Accompany her to a gynecological visit. Not only will you get to know her on an intimate level, you'll have her gynecologist on hand to answer any questions as well as prepare your iCal for her periods.

Watch Any Nicolas Cage Film
He's the best.

Pray Together
Not the same religion as you? Well, she's going to need to know the traditions for when she converts.

A Frat Party
We've found you don’t even have to be invited. It's a great place to spread your wings and show her you're not just some scary creep who collects toy soldiers. And if you are lucky enough to walk in on a Duke lacrosse party, those are off the hizzay!

Meet With Friends
More specifically, your ex-girlfriend. They are bound to run into each other eventually. This is like pulling off a Band-Aid. Besides, your ex-girlfriend will embellish some of your attributes because I'm sure things ended on good terms.

Take A Tour
Museum? Historical sites? Boooooring. That's why we take our girls to abortion clinics. That's ridiculous you say? That's what they say too. But it's so interesting to have the doctors show you around. Abortion is a part of life. On your way out, try not to get pelted by the large stones and cabbage being thrown from the crazy anti-abortion rally across the street.

Attend A Social Gathering
Does your date like to kill fetuses? Well, the folks at an anti-abortion rally can help prove her wrong. Abortion is death. And if at the end of your date she doesn't agree, then you want nothing to do with her. But, if she does agree, you can spend a magical afternoon together drinking diet Shastas, holding picket signs, and pelting large stones and cabbage at the sinners across the street.

A Strip Club
Show her you can appreciate the female form.

A Gay Strip Club
Pretend like you're a regular. Score extra points by ass slapping Chico the bouncer on the way in. Trust us. Have we ever steered you wrong?

Kobe Returns to Scene of Crime

Posted on June 15, 2009

As Los Angeles Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant prepares for game six of the Western Conference Finals tonight against the Denver Nuggets, one cannot help but think back to the summer of 2003. Ah, it was a simpler time. George Bush was still bumbling around the oval office, North Korea was just another country in Asia nobody gave a f*ck about, and Kobe Bryant was being charged for sexual assault. The summer of love. Remember?

For those of you who don't, let's recap. Shall we?

It all began in Eagle, Colorado when the NBA star was arrested in connection with an investigation of a sexual assault complaint filed by 19-year-old hotel employee Katelyn Faber. Investigators are still sketchy on the actual events that took place the night of July 1, 2003 in Room 35 of the The Lodge and Spa at Cordillera . Here now is what may have happened…

Kobe Bryant's version of the account:

Random Skanky Lady (RSL) gives him tour of hotel. After tour, they go back to room and make out. RSL shows him tattoo on her lower back (surprise, surprise) then tells him she has aspirations of being a singer (don't they all?). RSL performs oral sex on him then bends over a chair and pulls up her skirt. He asks her if he can "c*m on her face?" She says no. What a bitch! She should be so lucky! He immediately stops having intercourse with her, buys wife three million dollar ring, wins 2008 NBA MVP award, and all is forgiven. Shaq is still a f*ckhole.

Katelyn Faber's version of the account:

Rich Baller (RB) kisses her for five minutes straight. It is so dreamy. RB then pulls down her pants and starts groping her. She tries to pull away. RB puts both hands around her neck and chokes her. It feels good. No, wait. It doesn't. RB pulls her over to a chair and bends her over. RB penetrates her from behind, holding down her neck. It feels awesome. No, wait. It doesn't. She yells "no" repeatedly. RB asks if he can "c*m on her face?" She says no. RB is incredibly insulted. He stops assaulting her. She tries to take RB for all he's worth in court and then lives happily ever after.

Yes, things have changed quite a bit since good ol' 2003. But, for everything that has changed in the past six years it's the little things that have remained the same. Only now, instead of trying to c*m on some random skanky lady's face, Kobe is attempting to c*m on the entire city of Denver's face.

One-armed Basketball Player Going Division I

Posted on June 15, 2009

Jim Abbott. What? What? 6?10? center Kevin Laue, whose left arm ends just past the elbow, has received a scholarship to play basketball for Division I Manhattan College next season. Laue, a California native, played this past season for Fork Union Military Academy in Virginia hoping to impress college coaches. When given the news, Laue dropped to the floor and did seven impromptu one-arm push-ups. He then ran around the locker room taunting his two-armed teammates. "Yeah, talk to the hand, bitches! I just schooled your asses!"

In a related story, Laue turned down Division I scholarships for swimming, golf, volleyball, football, lacrosse , and gymnastics.

Favre's Family Prepares for Comeback

Posted on June 15, 2009

Is Brett Favre coming back to the NFL in a Minnesota Vikings uniform?

Apparently, his family and friends are convinced. They’ve booked hotels in Green Bay for November 1st, which is when the Vikings are scheduled to play the Packers at Lambeau Field. According to the Green Bay Press-Gazette, a person described as "a member of Favre's inner circle" blocked off between 25 and 30 rooms at the Midway Motor Lodge. This same person then turned around and canceled those reservations only to re-book at the Green Bay Days Inn. He then canceled the Days Inn reservations only to ask the Green Bay Wildlife Motel to hold reservations for him pending upcoming surgery related to a torn biceps tendon on his "drinking hand."

Morehead Receiver Now Packer

Posted on April 30, 2009

This is a funny sample I wrote for an interview with National Lampoon's...

MOREHEAD, KY - A dream came true this past Sunday night when Morehead State receiver Tyson Richards-Nimble was selected in the seventh round of the 2009 National Football League draft by the Green Bay Packers.

“I really loved being a Morehead receiver,” Richards-Nimble said. “But, I’m now thrilled to be a Packer!”

The four-year starter and phenomenon, first became a Kentucky legend for his acrobatic receiving skills - skills he must utilize at the next level if he plans to work his way into a Packer uniform. “I look at it like I’m playing from behind,” Richards-Nimble said. “I’m just going to get in there, work hard and hopefully thrust myself into the rotation.”

According to Packers General Manager Ted Thompson, the team is already deep with receivers. Though, they could always use another threat to spread the field. “He’s got all the ball skills we look for,” Thompson said. “Plus, he really knows how to penetrate the center of a defense.”

Richards-Nimble is looking forward to the challenge. “It’s a whole new system and I have a lot to learn. I’m just really excited to get into camp so I can start getting down and dirty with the other Packers.”

As the 187th overall selection, it almost looked as though Richards-Nimble might not get the chance to go full extension as a pro. “Morehead receivers are sometimes underappreciated,” Richards-Nimble said. “But, that doesn’t mean we’re going to shrink up there on the big stage.”

When asked what Packer fans can expect from him this upcoming season: Richards-Nimble said simply, “They can expect big things. Big things to come.”